Just a year ago I could look at my photos and think "I look great!", but it doesn't seem possible anymore. I love my new hairdo. I love my style. I think I look like I want to when I see myself in the mirror, but somewhere along the road I seem to have lost my ability to look good in pictures.
It shouldn't bother me this much, but it really do. Most of you know I used to work as a porn model (erotic model, if you want to call it something more fancy), and I've always managed to get good photos of myself. But that was then and this is now. I guess I am getting old or something. Honestly, do I look my age theese days? Do I look like a chubby almost-30?
This weekend has been good to me. Even the lack of money couldn't put me down completely and I got saved with a little money a close friend sent my way.
I've also finished my first shipment of jewellery abroad. I just hope it will reach her, and that she will like it.
Yesterday I logged in at the university class (it's all on the net) and started on my first assignment. I am very pleased with the fact that the class seems much more interesting now than it did before. It's called "Information Technology and Ethics". Mostly it is a kind of reflection and discussion about how IT affects the society in an ethical way. I thought it would be like social studies, but it's more like philosophy. Right up my alley!
Next month my first freelance article will be published in Swedens largest magazine about RPG's and July 31 I am getting married.
Still it feels a bit like I am waiting for something else to happen. Like this isn't my life, but just the way that leads to my life in the end. Strange, though, 'cause I cannot think of anything I really don't like in my life right now. Sure, more money would be great, and I miss my friends and family when living here, but other than that it's all good.
I hope the feeling will go away in due time.
I did it! I got in at a summer class at the university! Oh my godness, I am a university student. I never thought this day would come. Sure, it was the class I least wanted to attend, but anyhow.
And how come I am so happy? Well, I should have been at this point in my life ten years ago, but ten years ago I was a real fuck up. My mind was broken and i spelled "sane" with a "in" in front of it.
When I met August I finally got the strength to put myself together and go on with my life. Accept that this world never will make sense to me, and that it doesn't has to.
One of theese days the invitations to the wedding will be sent. I feel strange about that. Happy, but somewhat not attending. Not really there. It all has that fog you see at the corners of the TV screen when it's just a dream. I guess I will understand that this is real sooner or later.
Oh how I miss sitting for hours and hours, drinking coffee and talk about the very many rules and aspects of Old World of Darkness. Why is Rasputin both mage and malkavian? What clan did Vlad Tepes belong to (several of them take credit for him)? Is it true that there is three ways of getting rid of a blood bound?
I loved it all.
But most roleplayers theese days play New WoD. And most old roleplayers have grown up and rather discuss insuranse policy and redecoration of their kitchens than the feeling of being a ghoul or how insane a malkavian really could get without getting locked up. Am I that old?
When did baby photos get mor interesting than the covers of clanbooks?
When did reality finally win them over?
Damned be that reality! It sneaks into our souls.